Love this book, and that extremely telling quote from it! This is why, as much as I am also really angry at fully brainwashed, but well intentioned, sincerely believing TRAs..? I actually have quite a bit MORE respect for them than I do for the sellout, “will use fake pronouns, and LIE, while I still insist that I know reality is real”, GC lites!! Especially having been a sincere member of the other side, myself. I was wrong and ignorant as fuck back then! And I unknowingly stood for something absolutely atrocious! But at least..? I did not realize it. And at least..? I genuinely, fully stood for what I thought was right, at the time! Just like I do now, too! With the difference between me now, vs. me then, being: me back then had no knowledge of the things that I know now, and of all the extremely HARMFUL effects of gender ideology, that are discussed, for instance, here on this channel! Although one thing I will definitely also admit to is: there were uncomfortable questions I think I subconsciously decided not to ask myself, because some deeper part of me knew that if I did, my whole treasured belief system may just come crashing down. (Which is always painful, and leads to a massive identity crisis, thus it is generally NOT something people willingly sign themselves up for, if they can at all avoid it. As they would rather avoid all that pain and upheaval!) But ya know… As you can tell, I DID eventually ask myself those questions, anyway!! (I think partially because all of the cognitive dissonance, and self-censoring thought policing, and how much I was being expected to deny basic reality, was starting to feel really uncomfortable for me, too! Plus it fed something in me, coming across the perspectives of brave people who DID dare to ask all of those forbidden questions, that I was not allowing myself to ask! And then.. yeah. I started devouring all of this supposedly super evil “apostasy content”, and before I knew it, I was ALSO asking myself critical questions, and could no longer fully put that genie back in the bottle. Although I still fought against it, and kept it from FULLY escaping, for many more years. Until I no longer could.) So yeah… I was guilty of subconsciously repressing certain thoughts and questions, in order not to lose my treasured belief system! Like I think most gender believers are! However, I was still not consciously AWARE of that! And.. I really did believe what I believed! Plus my words, when I DID fully believe in it, 100% aligned with what I believed in! Until, as I got closer and closer to peaking, the increasing cognitive dissonance just got gnarlier and gnarlier! And I do think, at one point, right before the peaking, I was in fact aware that: “I am telling myself that I still believe in, and acting as if I still believe in, something the deepest, most authentic part of me in fact no longer believes in!” But.. that was a scary realization, and so I buried it. Albeit not for that long, because once it reached THAT level of cognitive dissonance, it wasn’t long before my inner pressure cooker also EXPLODED, and I finally peaked. Which, for me, in addition to the MASSIVE shock to my system, and the ensuing weeks-long seething rage fit, also felt like: this sort of separating wall, that was keeping one part of my brain, (the “obedient, still believing, still good little TRA” part), insulated from the deeper, more repressed part of my mind, that no longer really believed in any of it, came crashing down!! And all of a sudden, I could no longer deny my ACTUAL views to myself. Oops. So with that, the cognitive dissonance finally ended.
Although once on this side, there was still a bit of a DIFFERENT kind of cognitive dissonance going on, which at first largely consisted of me being fucking TERRIFIED to tell other people that I had changed my mind, lest they may think I was a HORRIBLE person!! Until I could no longer live with that, and I could no longer stand them seeing me as something that I was not. And so I told them, and that was a HUGE relief to me, that helped me feel more like a whole person again!! But then the other thing was the fucking LANGUAGE thing… Which, still having a bit of that old TRA guilt left in me, (indoctrination dies hard!!), I remember being absolutely TERRIFIED to stop using the fake pronouns and language, completely. Again, lest it might just make me a HORRIBLE, awful, terrible, evil person!! <Rolls eyes.> 😛 But then eventually, I decided to do that, anyway! Partially, (and I will forever be grateful to this community for this), due to seeing all you awesome people FULLY speaking the truth, and showing actual principles, integrity, and bravery, which you in turn modelled to me, making me feel like: “that is what I want to be like, too!! I so respect these women for that!!” ❤️ And also, perhaps even MORE so..? Because I could just no longer live with that amount of cognitive dissonance! Coming to realize, more and more, just how EXTREMELY harmful and destructive it is to keep paying lip service to, thus further validating and spreading, this evil ideology, in any capacity!! Feeling like my deeply held values and convictions were ONE thing, and then my words did not fully align with them, and in fact directly sabotaged them, because I was too SCARED to put my mouth where my mind was already at!! And.. yeah. In the long run, I just simply could not do that anymore! So I worked up some courage, and then basically overnight, I stopped. And it was AMAZING!! Both the increasing clarity that came with it, (I had not previously realized that me still using the fake language and pronouns was in fact still warping my perception, even though I’d sincerely thought it didn’t!), and that feeling of: NO more cognitive dissonance, fucking FINALLY!!! 🥳❤️🍰
I like contemplating and trying to describe that part of my story to other people, (especially those who haven’t been there themselves!), because I find it a really fascinating topic. But yeah… This is also why I don’t respect people who SAY they believe in one thing, (namely that they are against gender ideology in some way), and then they still keep paying lip service to it. Because those people are NOT being fully honest, neither with themselves nor with other people, and they are still engaging in the validation and proliferation of this despicable LIE!! If you believe in something, and have real convictions, then at least goddamn stand for your convictions, whether you’re on this side or the other!! Don’t be a dupilicitous, sellout faker!! Although.. if someone honestly admits that they are still going through a longer PROCESS of reevaluating their beliefs and values, as relating to this stuff, and they are still AFRAID to let it all go, just like I was..? I can have sympathy for that, absolutely! As I still try to steer them in the right direction! But the thing is, almost all of the trutransers and GC lites who will gladly lie, and sell out this whole entire movement, because they refuse to actually stand for what they say they stand for, and they for whatever godforsaken reason insist on still paying lip service to THE very thing they claim to be fighting against..? Are absolutely NOT in the position that I once was in, from what I can tell! They just simply have no honesty, no consistency, no principles, and no integrity!! Which makes it impossible for me to truly respect them!! Like I said, I respect honest, fully believing TRAs far more, because at least they DO have the courage of their convictions, there is FAR more consistency between their words and their beliefs, and they are not KNOWINGLY lying!! Yes, they speak deceptions, but they also (largely) BELIEVE their own deceptions! Which makes them far more principled than the goddamn sellout GC lites!!! I know, when I was a TRA, I also had FAR more integrity than them!!!
..LOL, haven’t even watched this whole video yet, but still felt like ranting about this, because I think about it a lot, and these people’s treachery really irks me!! It is like they’re all trying to be two different people at once, and my brain just CAN’T!! (Been there, done that, and I will NEVER do it again. 😝)
Love this book, and that extremely telling quote from it! This is why, as much as I am also really angry at fully brainwashed, but well intentioned, sincerely believing TRAs..? I actually have quite a bit MORE respect for them than I do for the sellout, “will use fake pronouns, and LIE, while I still insist that I know reality is real”, GC lites!! Especially having been a sincere member of the other side, myself. I was wrong and ignorant as fuck back then! And I unknowingly stood for something absolutely atrocious! But at least..? I did not realize it. And at least..? I genuinely, fully stood for what I thought was right, at the time! Just like I do now, too! With the difference between me now, vs. me then, being: me back then had no knowledge of the things that I know now, and of all the extremely HARMFUL effects of gender ideology, that are discussed, for instance, here on this channel! Although one thing I will definitely also admit to is: there were uncomfortable questions I think I subconsciously decided not to ask myself, because some deeper part of me knew that if I did, my whole treasured belief system may just come crashing down. (Which is always painful, and leads to a massive identity crisis, thus it is generally NOT something people willingly sign themselves up for, if they can at all avoid it. As they would rather avoid all that pain and upheaval!) But ya know… As you can tell, I DID eventually ask myself those questions, anyway!! (I think partially because all of the cognitive dissonance, and self-censoring thought policing, and how much I was being expected to deny basic reality, was starting to feel really uncomfortable for me, too! Plus it fed something in me, coming across the perspectives of brave people who DID dare to ask all of those forbidden questions, that I was not allowing myself to ask! And then.. yeah. I started devouring all of this supposedly super evil “apostasy content”, and before I knew it, I was ALSO asking myself critical questions, and could no longer fully put that genie back in the bottle. Although I still fought against it, and kept it from FULLY escaping, for many more years. Until I no longer could.) So yeah… I was guilty of subconsciously repressing certain thoughts and questions, in order not to lose my treasured belief system! Like I think most gender believers are! However, I was still not consciously AWARE of that! And.. I really did believe what I believed! Plus my words, when I DID fully believe in it, 100% aligned with what I believed in! Until, as I got closer and closer to peaking, the increasing cognitive dissonance just got gnarlier and gnarlier! And I do think, at one point, right before the peaking, I was in fact aware that: “I am telling myself that I still believe in, and acting as if I still believe in, something the deepest, most authentic part of me in fact no longer believes in!” But.. that was a scary realization, and so I buried it. Albeit not for that long, because once it reached THAT level of cognitive dissonance, it wasn’t long before my inner pressure cooker also EXPLODED, and I finally peaked. Which, for me, in addition to the MASSIVE shock to my system, and the ensuing weeks-long seething rage fit, also felt like: this sort of separating wall, that was keeping one part of my brain, (the “obedient, still believing, still good little TRA” part), insulated from the deeper, more repressed part of my mind, that no longer really believed in any of it, came crashing down!! And all of a sudden, I could no longer deny my ACTUAL views to myself. Oops. So with that, the cognitive dissonance finally ended.
Although once on this side, there was still a bit of a DIFFERENT kind of cognitive dissonance going on, which at first largely consisted of me being fucking TERRIFIED to tell other people that I had changed my mind, lest they may think I was a HORRIBLE person!! Until I could no longer live with that, and I could no longer stand them seeing me as something that I was not. And so I told them, and that was a HUGE relief to me, that helped me feel more like a whole person again!! But then the other thing was the fucking LANGUAGE thing… Which, still having a bit of that old TRA guilt left in me, (indoctrination dies hard!!), I remember being absolutely TERRIFIED to stop using the fake pronouns and language, completely. Again, lest it might just make me a HORRIBLE, awful, terrible, evil person!! <Rolls eyes.> 😛 But then eventually, I decided to do that, anyway! Partially, (and I will forever be grateful to this community for this), due to seeing all you awesome people FULLY speaking the truth, and showing actual principles, integrity, and bravery, which you in turn modelled to me, making me feel like: “that is what I want to be like, too!! I so respect these women for that!!” ❤️ And also, perhaps even MORE so..? Because I could just no longer live with that amount of cognitive dissonance! Coming to realize, more and more, just how EXTREMELY harmful and destructive it is to keep paying lip service to, thus further validating and spreading, this evil ideology, in any capacity!! Feeling like my deeply held values and convictions were ONE thing, and then my words did not fully align with them, and in fact directly sabotaged them, because I was too SCARED to put my mouth where my mind was already at!! And.. yeah. In the long run, I just simply could not do that anymore! So I worked up some courage, and then basically overnight, I stopped. And it was AMAZING!! Both the increasing clarity that came with it, (I had not previously realized that me still using the fake language and pronouns was in fact still warping my perception, even though I’d sincerely thought it didn’t!), and that feeling of: NO more cognitive dissonance, fucking FINALLY!!! 🥳❤️🍰
I like contemplating and trying to describe that part of my story to other people, (especially those who haven’t been there themselves!), because I find it a really fascinating topic. But yeah… This is also why I don’t respect people who SAY they believe in one thing, (namely that they are against gender ideology in some way), and then they still keep paying lip service to it. Because those people are NOT being fully honest, neither with themselves nor with other people, and they are still engaging in the validation and proliferation of this despicable LIE!! If you believe in something, and have real convictions, then at least goddamn stand for your convictions, whether you’re on this side or the other!! Don’t be a dupilicitous, sellout faker!! Although.. if someone honestly admits that they are still going through a longer PROCESS of reevaluating their beliefs and values, as relating to this stuff, and they are still AFRAID to let it all go, just like I was..? I can have sympathy for that, absolutely! As I still try to steer them in the right direction! But the thing is, almost all of the trutransers and GC lites who will gladly lie, and sell out this whole entire movement, because they refuse to actually stand for what they say they stand for, and they for whatever godforsaken reason insist on still paying lip service to THE very thing they claim to be fighting against..? Are absolutely NOT in the position that I once was in, from what I can tell! They just simply have no honesty, no consistency, no principles, and no integrity!! Which makes it impossible for me to truly respect them!! Like I said, I respect honest, fully believing TRAs far more, because at least they DO have the courage of their convictions, there is FAR more consistency between their words and their beliefs, and they are not KNOWINGLY lying!! Yes, they speak deceptions, but they also (largely) BELIEVE their own deceptions! Which makes them far more principled than the goddamn sellout GC lites!!! I know, when I was a TRA, I also had FAR more integrity than them!!!
..LOL, haven’t even watched this whole video yet, but still felt like ranting about this, because I think about it a lot, and these people’s treachery really irks me!! It is like they’re all trying to be two different people at once, and my brain just CAN’T!! (Been there, done that, and I will NEVER do it again. 😝)