One thing that I think would help relieve some of this young man's distress is to understand that his discomfort stems from a society that still treats gay people with a certain amount of distain. You are perfect that way you are, your sexual preference is normal. Instead of letting society determine how you should be, surround yourself with healthy gay men who will provide you with the comfort and support every human being needs.
I came out as a lesbian over 50 years ago, and I easily compare the externally homophobic world I lived in at the time I came out to the society we live in now. Life was tough for us in the 1960s, 70s and 80s, including societal restrictions against marriage, certain professions (especially those that involved children), a lack of places to socialize, gratuitous harassment by the police, the raiding of gay bars for no particular reason, loss of custody of our own children, and so on. Yet, in the midst of an unfriendly, ignorant world, we managed to create our own support systems, including social and political organizations, so that over several decades we developed a real gay and lesbian community. Little by little we showed our families and the larger world that we were not "a bunch of perverts," but neighbors, teachers, health care professionals, members of the military, politicians, co-workers, and even members of your own family, including siblings and your own children. In other words, we put our bodies on the line in public to show the world that gays and lesbians were human beings, many of whom you already knew and loved. The closet was no place to live ones life.
Through this long, often fraught process, we changed attitudes and with them, the world. However, now, the insertion of the pseudo-scientific, semi-religious cult of Trans, has set us back decades. Sex-role stereotypes, which many gay people embraced instinctively in the old days and still do, exist because there is something biological at work that affects the personalities of many -- but not all -- gays and lesbians. And of course, society's culture pushes these stereotypes on children from a young age.
But being a "masculine woman" does not imply that such a woman is really a man. Similarly, being a feminine man does not imply that such a man is really a woman.
Where we once struggled against garden-variety homophobia, today young gays and lesbians are hounded by zealots like teachers and clergy into believing that their cross-sex presentation implies that they're trans, not gay. This has always been a lie. The young man who writes so eloquently about his conflict is suffering not so much from confusion but from the brainwashing of trans ideology that insists that feminine gay men do not actually exist...they are "really women." NO, THEY ARE NOT. Just as masculine lesbians are not "really men."
Sex-role stereotypes, predilections, hobbies, and which sex we're more attracted to, do not define our so-called gender. Gender is a biological term that defines us as either female or male, period. There is no other option.
I know young lesbians today who cannot find a girlfriend at all. The young masculine-ish lesbians have been brainwashed to believe they are men and are in the process of having their beautiful breasts -- one of the most erotic parts of a woman's body -- amputated. They will never breast feed a baby.
In short, trans ideology perpetuates a crime against the physical and mental wellbeing of gay men and lesbians. We are being erased.
As the LBG Courage Coalition says: STOP TRANSING GAY KIDS. I would take it one step further: STOP TRANSING GAY PEOPLE.
What I would say to the wise young man who wrote that letter: be yourself. There is nothing wrong with you that self-love and acceptance, and the love of a good man and a gay-positive commuity can't resolve. You were born in the right body. It's impossible to be born in any other kind.
These ways I've used myself, though not for specifically gender dysphoria, but for anxiety and fear, alienation, dread, all that threatens to crush me at times, may or may not be helpful but I'll share them:
Ranting sessions with truly sympathetic or honest people, sometimes just talking out loud to MYSELF, acupuncture, going for walks, reading books and watching films from entirely different eras or places, visiting museums, hot epsom salt baths, vitamin D. Classic children's literature, pre-1989, coloring books, randomly picked out music that is unfamiliar. Learning something new about history or science or human development from older textbooks. Making or buying something for my neighbor who I like. Visiting nature spots with a vista, visiting the animal shelter if the one near you is humane and uplifting (not if it's depressing), knitting with old women, attending different churches to see what they're up to. Resisting the urge to make others wrong when something is upsetting. These are all things that have helped take me out of myself, but most of all it is recognizing someone, ANYONE, who actually cares about you and making sure you APPRECIATE it and value that. NEVER devalue what is good in your life, even if it is as simple as having hot running water, for example.
Best wishes for real care, nurturing, growth, and restoration.
All the best to this man. I admire and respect his honesty, and really hope he finds a way to accept himself, and come to terms with his body. Which, there is absolutely nothing wrong with him being exactly the kind of person that he is, in that body! Plus one thing I hope he recognizes: his two possible choices are not living as a man vs. living as a woman. His two possible choices are either living his life as a (presumably) physically healthy man with a normal, functioning body, or living his life as a chemically stunted, surgically mutilated, severely permanently damaged man, who now looks a bit more “feminine”, but is still EVERY single bit as much of a man, anyway!! Who will likely suffer from sexual dysfunction, accumulated serious health issues over the years, and a notably shorter expected lifespan. “Transition” won’t turn you into a woman. Nothing can. It will turn you into an unhealthy and uncanny looking man! Plus also, you’ll more than likely lose your chance at having a normal gay relationship, as most gay men won’t be into you anymore. And of course, neither will straight men. At best, you can maybe attract some chasers, that are almost always and invariably total creeps. Plus another thing that will happen? Is, the more you walk this path, the more it actively MAKES you more delusional, and increasingly more dissociated from reality and your body! Plus the more you will OBSESS over whether or not you “pass”, (you won’t, btw! And even if you did, it would still be a lie!), and it will utterly consume your life.
Oh, and another thing: most women don’t want this! We will never see you as one of us, and we don’t want you in our spaces. Nor will we enable your pretense. And just speaking for myself? I could absolutely be close friends with a gay man. And with some exceptions, with some topics, talk to him in just the same way as I talk to my female friends, if that felt natural. BUT..? Once you cross over from owning that you’re a feminine gay man, to pretending to be a woman, I’ll want nothing to do with ya! Because it is a LIE, it is extremely offensive and despicable to me, it is emotionally manipulative and the ultimate form of gaslighting, it is entitled, and it is gross, skin walking, boundary violating behavior, on every level!! Never would I ever trust a troon, or want to be anywhere near him, the way I so easily could with a nice and respectful gay man. Liking and relating to women is great! But pretending to be one? Is an absolute no-go!!! I would much rather take the company of a misogynistic straight man, who at least owns that he’s a man, (not that I’m at all into that, either), over that twisted and manipulative shite!! “Transitioning” won’t make you closer to women, or any more like us. It will instead take you further AWAY from us, and serve as the ultimate form of egregious male entitlement!! Of course you’ll still find woke handmaids that will endlessly validate you. But they will do that because they care only about fake “virtuous” and extremely shallow APPEARANCES, and because they love and want to appease and prioritize MEN and their feelings, at the cost of other women!! Of which troons are the ultimate form of egregiously entitled man!! So they will validate you, degrade themselves, and endlessly kiss your ass, not because they’ll relate to you as a woman, (which you still won’t be!!), but because they’ll know you are a MAN!!
Hope you can get good help from a non affirming, non delusional therapist. And also, from other femme-y gay men who still live in reality, and have been able to accept themselves as they are! I’m sure you struggle with a LOT of internalized homophobia, and this stuff is really just regressive sexism 2.0. Love to gay people of both sexes, and I’m really sorry that this shit society so often makes you feel like crap about yourself!! We truly have a long way to go, still.
My heart goes out to the young man who wrote this very well-written letter, because it's not going to be easy for him. Unfortunately, it's not going to be as simple as surrounding himself with other healthy gay men, as one well-meaning commenter wrote. Those kinds of guys will be hard to find. Gay men are accused of 'wrongthink' if we don't go along with 'LGBTQ+', and ostracized. And the sad truth is that gay men are not very kind to the effeminate gay men in our midst. I wish gay men would support one another and treat each other better. https://open.substack.com/pub/flashinggreen/p/why-would-a-man-want-to-be-a-woman?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web
i related. ive recently (2 months ago) desisted and ive been unpacking all this stuff and i am going on my first ever real date with a guy friday i am healing <3
Yes, it’s the affirm only model that is harmful. There has to be as many reasons for gender dysphoria as there are people. Understanding those reasons is a start, not just assuming everyone who experiences gender dysphoria is transgender… that is but one of the problems. Having worked in the medical field most of my life, I would do anything to keep myself from being tethered to it as a patient. It’s a nightmare.
I am not a lesbian but have found that lesbian feminists align with my own political beliefs. I am very concerned that there are so few lesbian spaces for young same sex attracted women can meet adult lesbians that can provide them with mentoring, support, and community. These young women are ripe for the plucking for the trans cult.
My goodness, what a heart-felt, sane inquiry by this young human being. What I find myself pondering about the dilemma that this person and so many others are experiencing, is that the issues are being addressed "after the fact," seeming to bypass the very most fundamental question at the heart of the experience. I'm sure you know what that question is: What is the What Is here? Instead of trying to figure out how to make the outside fit the inside, or the inside fit the outside, by adding and taking away, which presumes that there's something wrong with what one is, one can approach the experience as an exploration, as a mission of Discovery. What if it isn't an either/or proposition? What if these humans are a beautiful thing unto themselves, with attributes that require perhaps a definition that includes the whole of it, because they have yet to be fully discovered? In my experience with one such beautiful being, who struggled mightily with body composition and pronouns, wishing painfully to be addressed as how they wished to be perceived, I asked myself, what if you're an angel? What if you're something that cannot be fit into a neat little dyad? What if you're becoming a being larger than those categories? What if it doesn't require any change at all, but true acceptance?
It's true, I think, that if one looks for that acceptance solely from outside oneself, one will be tossed terribly by the whims and conditions of a generally critical, judgmental and withholding culture that has mostly lost the understanding (never mind training) of such doings as acceptance, allowing, compassion, particularly in regard to Self. And, my experience is that if one can get a handle on these "soul technologies" whose realm is the Inner World, one can release oneself from the painful need for external acknowledgment in order to feel well, or real, or held, or at least recover a form of self-nourishment that will set the stage for connecting authentically with others (because we all need that). Knowing oneself requires relentless curiosity!
My advice would be for this brave and beautiful soul (and everyone else, for that matter) to seek a soul mentor, a shaman teacher, an energy guide, who can offer guidance and training with the above-mentioned tools, who can see past the limiting categories and "certainties" that our culture desperately demands and be open and curious to discover what's there, rather than what's not there. How to embrace one's lived experience, how to find the gifts in just exactly what one already is, which, when explored, reveals itself as a huge, gorgeous, soulful whole that modern categories fail miserably to make room for. At least that has been my experience with human beings.
I always thought it was strange they always push estrogen on men that present like this with dysphoria. Why don’t they give men with male anatomy testosterone when they say they feel like a woman inside. Why just say “oh ok you’re a woman now figure it out”. No, instead it should be about helping them embrace their true sex. Give them T shots I say.
it’s been tried historically. doesn’t work because it’s not a hormonal disorder, it’s a psychological one. TIMs aren’t deficient in T or have an imbalance or anything like that, they’re physically normal males, so adding T will just result in all the awful side effects people abusing steroids get.
One thing that I think would help relieve some of this young man's distress is to understand that his discomfort stems from a society that still treats gay people with a certain amount of distain. You are perfect that way you are, your sexual preference is normal. Instead of letting society determine how you should be, surround yourself with healthy gay men who will provide you with the comfort and support every human being needs.
I came out as a lesbian over 50 years ago, and I easily compare the externally homophobic world I lived in at the time I came out to the society we live in now. Life was tough for us in the 1960s, 70s and 80s, including societal restrictions against marriage, certain professions (especially those that involved children), a lack of places to socialize, gratuitous harassment by the police, the raiding of gay bars for no particular reason, loss of custody of our own children, and so on. Yet, in the midst of an unfriendly, ignorant world, we managed to create our own support systems, including social and political organizations, so that over several decades we developed a real gay and lesbian community. Little by little we showed our families and the larger world that we were not "a bunch of perverts," but neighbors, teachers, health care professionals, members of the military, politicians, co-workers, and even members of your own family, including siblings and your own children. In other words, we put our bodies on the line in public to show the world that gays and lesbians were human beings, many of whom you already knew and loved. The closet was no place to live ones life.
Through this long, often fraught process, we changed attitudes and with them, the world. However, now, the insertion of the pseudo-scientific, semi-religious cult of Trans, has set us back decades. Sex-role stereotypes, which many gay people embraced instinctively in the old days and still do, exist because there is something biological at work that affects the personalities of many -- but not all -- gays and lesbians. And of course, society's culture pushes these stereotypes on children from a young age.
But being a "masculine woman" does not imply that such a woman is really a man. Similarly, being a feminine man does not imply that such a man is really a woman.
Where we once struggled against garden-variety homophobia, today young gays and lesbians are hounded by zealots like teachers and clergy into believing that their cross-sex presentation implies that they're trans, not gay. This has always been a lie. The young man who writes so eloquently about his conflict is suffering not so much from confusion but from the brainwashing of trans ideology that insists that feminine gay men do not actually exist...they are "really women." NO, THEY ARE NOT. Just as masculine lesbians are not "really men."
Sex-role stereotypes, predilections, hobbies, and which sex we're more attracted to, do not define our so-called gender. Gender is a biological term that defines us as either female or male, period. There is no other option.
I know young lesbians today who cannot find a girlfriend at all. The young masculine-ish lesbians have been brainwashed to believe they are men and are in the process of having their beautiful breasts -- one of the most erotic parts of a woman's body -- amputated. They will never breast feed a baby.
In short, trans ideology perpetuates a crime against the physical and mental wellbeing of gay men and lesbians. We are being erased.
As the LBG Courage Coalition says: STOP TRANSING GAY KIDS. I would take it one step further: STOP TRANSING GAY PEOPLE.
What I would say to the wise young man who wrote that letter: be yourself. There is nothing wrong with you that self-love and acceptance, and the love of a good man and a gay-positive commuity can't resolve. You were born in the right body. It's impossible to be born in any other kind.
Young same sex attracted women need to meet women like you, Beeswax!
These ways I've used myself, though not for specifically gender dysphoria, but for anxiety and fear, alienation, dread, all that threatens to crush me at times, may or may not be helpful but I'll share them:
Ranting sessions with truly sympathetic or honest people, sometimes just talking out loud to MYSELF, acupuncture, going for walks, reading books and watching films from entirely different eras or places, visiting museums, hot epsom salt baths, vitamin D. Classic children's literature, pre-1989, coloring books, randomly picked out music that is unfamiliar. Learning something new about history or science or human development from older textbooks. Making or buying something for my neighbor who I like. Visiting nature spots with a vista, visiting the animal shelter if the one near you is humane and uplifting (not if it's depressing), knitting with old women, attending different churches to see what they're up to. Resisting the urge to make others wrong when something is upsetting. These are all things that have helped take me out of myself, but most of all it is recognizing someone, ANYONE, who actually cares about you and making sure you APPRECIATE it and value that. NEVER devalue what is good in your life, even if it is as simple as having hot running water, for example.
Best wishes for real care, nurturing, growth, and restoration.
All the best to this man. I admire and respect his honesty, and really hope he finds a way to accept himself, and come to terms with his body. Which, there is absolutely nothing wrong with him being exactly the kind of person that he is, in that body! Plus one thing I hope he recognizes: his two possible choices are not living as a man vs. living as a woman. His two possible choices are either living his life as a (presumably) physically healthy man with a normal, functioning body, or living his life as a chemically stunted, surgically mutilated, severely permanently damaged man, who now looks a bit more “feminine”, but is still EVERY single bit as much of a man, anyway!! Who will likely suffer from sexual dysfunction, accumulated serious health issues over the years, and a notably shorter expected lifespan. “Transition” won’t turn you into a woman. Nothing can. It will turn you into an unhealthy and uncanny looking man! Plus also, you’ll more than likely lose your chance at having a normal gay relationship, as most gay men won’t be into you anymore. And of course, neither will straight men. At best, you can maybe attract some chasers, that are almost always and invariably total creeps. Plus another thing that will happen? Is, the more you walk this path, the more it actively MAKES you more delusional, and increasingly more dissociated from reality and your body! Plus the more you will OBSESS over whether or not you “pass”, (you won’t, btw! And even if you did, it would still be a lie!), and it will utterly consume your life.
Oh, and another thing: most women don’t want this! We will never see you as one of us, and we don’t want you in our spaces. Nor will we enable your pretense. And just speaking for myself? I could absolutely be close friends with a gay man. And with some exceptions, with some topics, talk to him in just the same way as I talk to my female friends, if that felt natural. BUT..? Once you cross over from owning that you’re a feminine gay man, to pretending to be a woman, I’ll want nothing to do with ya! Because it is a LIE, it is extremely offensive and despicable to me, it is emotionally manipulative and the ultimate form of gaslighting, it is entitled, and it is gross, skin walking, boundary violating behavior, on every level!! Never would I ever trust a troon, or want to be anywhere near him, the way I so easily could with a nice and respectful gay man. Liking and relating to women is great! But pretending to be one? Is an absolute no-go!!! I would much rather take the company of a misogynistic straight man, who at least owns that he’s a man, (not that I’m at all into that, either), over that twisted and manipulative shite!! “Transitioning” won’t make you closer to women, or any more like us. It will instead take you further AWAY from us, and serve as the ultimate form of egregious male entitlement!! Of course you’ll still find woke handmaids that will endlessly validate you. But they will do that because they care only about fake “virtuous” and extremely shallow APPEARANCES, and because they love and want to appease and prioritize MEN and their feelings, at the cost of other women!! Of which troons are the ultimate form of egregiously entitled man!! So they will validate you, degrade themselves, and endlessly kiss your ass, not because they’ll relate to you as a woman, (which you still won’t be!!), but because they’ll know you are a MAN!!
Hope you can get good help from a non affirming, non delusional therapist. And also, from other femme-y gay men who still live in reality, and have been able to accept themselves as they are! I’m sure you struggle with a LOT of internalized homophobia, and this stuff is really just regressive sexism 2.0. Love to gay people of both sexes, and I’m really sorry that this shit society so often makes you feel like crap about yourself!! We truly have a long way to go, still.
ALL TRUE.
Good on him for reaching out. That took serious bravery. This is someone with great self awareness.
A kid that aware is a gift to adults. I would advise him to go within and listen for his authentic voice. You're guidance is wonderful
My heart goes out to the young man who wrote this very well-written letter, because it's not going to be easy for him. Unfortunately, it's not going to be as simple as surrounding himself with other healthy gay men, as one well-meaning commenter wrote. Those kinds of guys will be hard to find. Gay men are accused of 'wrongthink' if we don't go along with 'LGBTQ+', and ostracized. And the sad truth is that gay men are not very kind to the effeminate gay men in our midst. I wish gay men would support one another and treat each other better. https://open.substack.com/pub/flashinggreen/p/why-would-a-man-want-to-be-a-woman?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web
i related. ive recently (2 months ago) desisted and ive been unpacking all this stuff and i am going on my first ever real date with a guy friday i am healing <3
Yes, it’s the affirm only model that is harmful. There has to be as many reasons for gender dysphoria as there are people. Understanding those reasons is a start, not just assuming everyone who experiences gender dysphoria is transgender… that is but one of the problems. Having worked in the medical field most of my life, I would do anything to keep myself from being tethered to it as a patient. It’s a nightmare.
I am not a lesbian but have found that lesbian feminists align with my own political beliefs. I am very concerned that there are so few lesbian spaces for young same sex attracted women can meet adult lesbians that can provide them with mentoring, support, and community. These young women are ripe for the plucking for the trans cult.
https://substack.com/@davidkunt/note/c-191737904?r=6qv3gs&utm_source=notes-share-action&utm_medium=web
Hi, Amy:
My goodness, what a heart-felt, sane inquiry by this young human being. What I find myself pondering about the dilemma that this person and so many others are experiencing, is that the issues are being addressed "after the fact," seeming to bypass the very most fundamental question at the heart of the experience. I'm sure you know what that question is: What is the What Is here? Instead of trying to figure out how to make the outside fit the inside, or the inside fit the outside, by adding and taking away, which presumes that there's something wrong with what one is, one can approach the experience as an exploration, as a mission of Discovery. What if it isn't an either/or proposition? What if these humans are a beautiful thing unto themselves, with attributes that require perhaps a definition that includes the whole of it, because they have yet to be fully discovered? In my experience with one such beautiful being, who struggled mightily with body composition and pronouns, wishing painfully to be addressed as how they wished to be perceived, I asked myself, what if you're an angel? What if you're something that cannot be fit into a neat little dyad? What if you're becoming a being larger than those categories? What if it doesn't require any change at all, but true acceptance?
It's true, I think, that if one looks for that acceptance solely from outside oneself, one will be tossed terribly by the whims and conditions of a generally critical, judgmental and withholding culture that has mostly lost the understanding (never mind training) of such doings as acceptance, allowing, compassion, particularly in regard to Self. And, my experience is that if one can get a handle on these "soul technologies" whose realm is the Inner World, one can release oneself from the painful need for external acknowledgment in order to feel well, or real, or held, or at least recover a form of self-nourishment that will set the stage for connecting authentically with others (because we all need that). Knowing oneself requires relentless curiosity!
My advice would be for this brave and beautiful soul (and everyone else, for that matter) to seek a soul mentor, a shaman teacher, an energy guide, who can offer guidance and training with the above-mentioned tools, who can see past the limiting categories and "certainties" that our culture desperately demands and be open and curious to discover what's there, rather than what's not there. How to embrace one's lived experience, how to find the gifts in just exactly what one already is, which, when explored, reveals itself as a huge, gorgeous, soulful whole that modern categories fail miserably to make room for. At least that has been my experience with human beings.
Thank you for sharing, Amy.
I always thought it was strange they always push estrogen on men that present like this with dysphoria. Why don’t they give men with male anatomy testosterone when they say they feel like a woman inside. Why just say “oh ok you’re a woman now figure it out”. No, instead it should be about helping them embrace their true sex. Give them T shots I say.
it’s been tried historically. doesn’t work because it’s not a hormonal disorder, it’s a psychological one. TIMs aren’t deficient in T or have an imbalance or anything like that, they’re physically normal males, so adding T will just result in all the awful side effects people abusing steroids get.